Snorting Saltines at UK Music Festivals Trending

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UK festivals are world renown for their heavy drug use, unruly crowds and general madness, but a new trend has swept the countries youth at the mobs of debauchery. Snorting saltines has caught fire at EDM and Dubstep concerts. Their use is justified as a drug buffer or colloquially “sand bomb.”

Julian Hernandez from VICE news reported most of the young adults view it as a “healthier way to do drugs, in the same way people eat bread after they drink too much.” To be clear there is no scientific proof that saltines have any effect on the safety of drug use. But to many festival participants that only furthers their confidence saying “Well there is also no proof that they don’t hurt or help. We just don’t know, it feels good, it feels right so I’ll keep doing it until it is 100% proven.”

No studies have been announced to study saltine snorting and it is unlikely funding will be granted to such a cause.

Noam Chomsky’s Gruesome Comeback in the Guatemala Cock Fighting Rings

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Chomsky is back at it again, and this time with a vengeance built up over years and years of losing among Central American cock fighters. In 2003 Noam took a break from his usual Nicaraguan cock fighting vacation vowing if he were to return it would be “Where the real shit is.”

Needless to say he has exploded onto the Guatemalan scene, displacing some legendary fighters with some tough birds of his own.

Mitch McConnell Comes Out of Closet as “Deeply Un-Homophibic”

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Earlier this morning, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell shocked America at a press conference stating “I have been lying to the public my entire life. I really have no issue with gay people. I don’t see the big deal. Sometimes I am a little jealous of how happy a life they seem to lead.” This soft talk on homosexuality completely debases his stance of the last 40 years, and in doing so questions how long he has kept this kind empathetic opinion pent up inside him.

McConell, backed his stance up slightly at the end clarifying his point, “I want to state I am not gay, have no interest in partaking in fruitcake perry-winkling. I don’t like gay porn, I don’t want to see it but the mere fact that people are gay I couldn’t really give less of a shit about.”

All Gay “Burger Queens” opens in Washington DC Gay District

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Burgers went fruity in Washington DC last Tuesday when an all gay Burger King rip off named “Burger Queens opened off on New Hampshire Ave in Dupont Circle. The area has been the vibrant hub for gay pride for some time now and mainstream fast food chains could not survive outside the immensely popular Dupont Pizza.

Owner Jay Busymouth made a public announcement of the resturaunt’s opening saying “We in Dupont love burgers, lov ourselves and just want to make the whole thing fabulous. Newcomers will be a bit started regarding how gay it is. Its all tights.” Reviews are mixed but attendance is a necessary bucket list item.

Stacks of Patriotic themed “Adult Coloring Books” found in Oval Office

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Even the white house has a cleaning staff and occasionally they report something interesting. It takes a bit to work on the white house cleaning crew; Typically you are a member of the armed forces, or where. You need to have the top security clearance and keep hush anything dirty that may happen that the public can’t know about. However some things are not a matter of national security and are merely observations any diplomat may see.

With that in mind, a white house cleaning staff reported to have found “half finished patriotic adult coloring books in the president’s personal trash receptacle in the oval office and sleeping quarters.” But these were the only ones thrown out, and essentially considered complete. “Stacks upon stacks of coloring books unopened are in several drawers and by the bedside. At first I thought they were normal books that Obama often had by his bedside but I noticed there were no words on them and that is were I made the connection.”

As news gets out people are looking to purchase potentially the president’s coloring books, certain to be worth plenty of money down the road.

US Weekly wants Credit for Fake News’ Rise in Popularity

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Unnamed sources, catchy headlines, and wild accusations have become more and more popular in mainstream news sources, but US Weekly wants its claim to the style that made toaday’s media what it is. US weekly is a American tabloid that has been pumping intentionally false stories of celebrities to catch readers eyes at the checkout line for decades. The checkout line was the cheap-shot of the grocery store, intended to be bought out of impulse and not of need. This method of information delivery used in online social media has not given its dues to one of the founders US Weekly.

Spokesperson for US states, “Everyone is up in arms over ‘fake news’ or. ‘unsubstantiated claims’…really? We have been doing it forever, it is literally our business model. I’m not saying its right or wrong but give us some credit for being one of the first to say anything to get people to pick up a story and buy it regardless of facts.” US feels it has been forgotten and is in pursuit of royalties over absurd claims packaged as facts.

Home Depot Claims “Partial Responsibility” for NYC attack

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Yesterday, New York was rattled by another terrorist attack, but this timeĀ  with no weapons other than a beefy Home Depot rental truck. As thoughts go out the the victims and Americans are left wondering how can we prevent further attacks, the weapon dealer is taking some blame.

The retail giant Home Depot says it takes partial blame for today’s attacks. Workers at the New Jersey home depot had been eyeing the truck for a while and were stunned they let anyone drive such a well made, hauling beast anywhere. At such a reasonable price of $19, was such a good deal it was basically a crime. Sales Rep a the NJ store where the terrorist rented the truck said, “When you get behind of one of these jacked up RAM 2500 super duty trucks, you feel its power and potential. Its one hell of a truck I mean it took a bus to stop that thing and it did some damage to it. I think everyone who has driven it has had some Mad Max temptations and I’m not gonna blame the incident on its incredible hauling, handling and acceleration capacity but it could have inspired belief in a potential terrorist just to know what is possible with that baby.”