Poor and Unemployed of City Deny Victim hood and Take Total Responsibility for Situation

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Leaders of the poor in once city have taken a new approach to their situation in a complete reversal of policies.  Leaders do not wish to publicly state their city in fear of political and online outcry.

“Sometimes its just your own damn fault” said spokesperson for impoverished people of city which seeks anonymity, “We fucked up. Its our fault we suck and I see no greater forces at play that have resulted in such a terrible situation for us.” Praise from the Republican party is already amidst with Majority Leader Mitch McConnell writing “Finally they have take n our advice and see their situation as we do. Good luck to them and if they need help look no further than your bootstraps.”

Middle East Countries see U.S. 10 year plan for region as “Very Likely to Succeed”

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United States diplomats sat down with Middle East leaders with a proposed plan for the area for the next 10 years. Unanimously the leaders agreed and saw no obvious reason why the peace plan would fail. King Abdullah of Jordan said “Its a pretty armor clad deal, I thought it would be more tribal disputes over dumb shit, useless killing, oil and lots of fake gold necklaces but these white guys seem to be able cut through that. I don’t see how it could fail.”

The plan relies heavily on a “goats for all” policy, indicating all will get plenty of goats. The administration has not put down a specific number of goats but a public statement for the White House states “a tremendous amount of goats. Great gods. Like you have never seen. You know what I am talking about. With the little tits. Great stuf. You get them all. Goats for all, you are gonna love it.”

Snorting Saltines at UK Music Festivals Trending

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UK festivals are world renown for their heavy drug use, unruly crowds and general madness, but a new trend has swept the countries youth at the mobs of debauchery. Snorting saltines has caught fire at EDM and Dubstep concerts. Their use is justified as a drug buffer or colloquially “sand bomb.”

Julian Hernandez from VICE news reported most of the young adults view it as a “healthier way to do drugs, in the same way people eat bread after they drink too much.” To be clear there is no scientific proof that saltines have any effect on the safety of drug use. But to many festival participants that only furthers their confidence saying “Well there is also no proof that they don’t hurt or help. We just don’t know, it feels good, it feels right so I’ll keep doing it until it is 100% proven.”

No studies have been announced to study saltine snorting and it is unlikely funding will be granted to such a cause.

Noam Chomsky’s Gruesome Comeback in the Guatemala Cock Fighting Rings

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Chomsky is back at it again, and this time with a vengeance built up over years and years of losing among Central American cock fighters. In 2003 Noam took a break from his usual Nicaraguan cock fighting vacation vowing if he were to return it would be “Where the real shit is.”

Needless to say he has exploded onto the Guatemalan scene, displacing some legendary fighters with some tough birds of his own.

Mitch McConnell Comes Out of Closet as “Deeply Un-Homophibic”

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Earlier this morning, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell shocked America at a press conference stating “I have been lying to the public my entire life. I really have no issue with gay people. I don’t see the big deal. Sometimes I am a little jealous of how happy a life they seem to lead.” This soft talk on homosexuality completely debases his stance of the last 40 years, and in doing so questions how long he has kept this kind empathetic opinion pent up inside him.

McConell, backed his stance up slightly at the end clarifying his point, “I want to state I am not gay, have no interest in partaking in fruitcake perry-winkling. I don’t like gay porn, I don’t want to see it but the mere fact that people are gay I couldn’t really give less of a shit about.”

All Gay “Burger Queens” opens in Washington DC Gay District

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Burgers went fruity in Washington DC last Tuesday when an all gay Burger King rip off named “Burger Queens opened off on New Hampshire Ave in Dupont Circle. The area has been the vibrant hub for gay pride for some time now and mainstream fast food chains could not survive outside the immensely popular Dupont Pizza.

Owner Jay Busymouth made a public announcement of the resturaunt’s opening saying “We in Dupont love burgers, lov ourselves and just want to make the whole thing fabulous. Newcomers will be a bit started regarding how gay it is. Its all tights.” Reviews are mixed but attendance is a necessary bucket list item.