Month: December 2017

Last player of Pokemon GO has caught them all

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Christopher Fisher was all in when Pokemon GO came out and has been playing the game religiously ever since its release. Refusing to use any cheats he has played the game continuously since July 6th 2017. He has lost friends, his girlfriend and everyone’s respect. But not all is lost. As many dropped off the bandwagon early as something to try and not get into he stuck it out for over 5 months and has caught all the pokemon.

“Well there ya go” Fisher stated in an interview with 60 minutes, “I caught them, and I think I better go get a job now.” The silent apathy of society follows him as he returns home with a full Pokedex.

65 year Old Rural White guy “All in with this Bitcoin thing”

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“Its all about blockchain” Herbert Newbower said at the Central Nebraskan conference Thursday, “You see you got a ledger with emails, its crypto and fuck it I’m in.” Newbower is the first of all men above the age of 65 to invest in Bitcoin full throttle. He sold have his herd to put in a whopping 85,000 dollars into bitcoin and is feeling pretty smart. “Folks don’t understand around here when you mine for bitcoin you got to sell your herd to make tunnels. That is how the encryption works.”

Newbower has begun digging a hole in his once grazing area with his tractor. Nearly 40ft deep now he feels he is about to strike any day now. More as this story develops.

The Benefits of Sleeping in a Chicken Coop Long Term

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When Robert Grummich woke up in his coop he felt great. His skin powdered, his lungs strong, and his ass nipples acute. This had been his 862nd day sleeping in a chicken coop per doctor’s advice and he had never felt better. Grummich, a 98 year old now wheelbarrow repairmen and abstract sculptor spent much of his days in riding behind a truck or in a investment banking office. The spaces he inhabited never had poor air quality and his health had deteriorated. After being lethargic and in general decline his Doctor suggested a cure from an old wise tale.

“Chicken Shit” Doctor Bundy of Central Virginia Kaiser Permanente explains, “Its organic and full of nutrients that helps the soil grow and keep healthy. You keep making some logical conclusions you end up spreading it all over yourself to keep your body growing.” To be clear this has few supportive sources outside American and Western European Medical journals. Grummich took the doctors words for gold and began sleeping in the coop the day after the appointment and has been since.

Grummich explained in the interview, “I took one day off the coop and that was something I’ll never do again. Shits as runny as sriracha.” Who knows if the old trick worked or just another chicken coop myth.

Prophet Muhammad Pretty Jealous of Saudi Prince’s gold plated Lamborghini

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Allah had an “ah ha” moment when the prophet saw what one of his followers purchased and got pretty jealous. A gold plated Lamborghini was one of those things he just wasn’t able to save up enough to get while spending time on earth and really wished he had come later for a ride on these wheels.

Muhammad is known for some unique tastes, such as suicide bombings, and his envy is sure to throw questions on fans and worshipers. Isis combatant spoke out against the comment by the prophet saying he expected those things in the afterlife so why go through with the bombing of infidels if this is just as good.” Devout Muslim Gary Johnson of New Mexico thinks Muhammad is turning a page, “he is growing up and realizing you can’t win favor on earth if all your followers kill themselves so he is moving onto cars. Its more fashionable and gold.”

AIDS quilts in review: “Not as Warm as Desired”

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Many consider AIDS a sad thing of the past, but one thing positive many thought AIDS had given society was lots of nice quilts. However much like the people suffering with AIDS they have faded, become thin and ultimately wear out.

Spokesperson for Act up said “It was great at the time everyone came out and made quilts and we prided ourselves on the quality. But these people were weak and though artistic lacked that strength some quilt makers simply didn’t have in them. I’m not saying that they are not strong people its just their little hands and the little thread. Sorry I don’t want to cry.” Mike Pence has latched onto the issue showing a clear sign God hates gay people, because he would have made “more enhanced” quilts if he really liked them. More as this story progresses.