Month: November 2017

Cross Cultural Post Mortum perspectives on Death

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Pro-Publica has teamed up with AARP and compiles the single largest collection of oral histories from people who died and were able to share their story. It spanned 72 Countries and over 870 individuals. As this summary shows the only common theme is spiritual disappointment in what experts are calling “existential blue balls”

Most stories were taken from CGWs or Certified Ghost Whisperers provided by the American Camping Organization (ACO) for campfires and autopsies. Some stories were taken from those who half died, or died but then came back to the physical world.

“I thought there would be a heaven, some evaluation of how I did in life but instead this overwhelming smell of cabbage casserole and gumbo. Then I was mute and invisible except to the great people at ACO. I never had balls in my life but in death I understand the term blue balls. I just wanted to get out of here but here I am just waiting for another opportunity to arise.” Maria of Nicaragua reported. Her story reflected most across the death spectrum from really dead to barely dead, as well as really hopeful to Swedish.

 

Man found having Intercourse with Manhole to receive Art Award

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Tuesday November 28th 2017, Albert Humphrey was found butt naked thrusting away at a manhole in northern Baltimore. It was his lucky day as he found himself nearby the internationally acclaimed Maryland Institute College of Art (MICA). Many had stopped in their tracks horrified at the situation to observe the strange sight, but one found inspiration. Associate Professor Mallory Grumwell stopped the police from arresting the man stating “This is an Art piece and the artist is at work.” Humphrey was arrested and was awarded an Art Award from MICA for bravery in Art.

Poor and Unemployed of City Deny Victim hood and Take Total Responsibility for Situation

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Leaders of the poor in once city have taken a new approach to their situation in a complete reversal of policies.  Leaders do not wish to publicly state their city in fear of political and online outcry.

“Sometimes its just your own damn fault” said spokesperson for impoverished people of city which seeks anonymity, “We fucked up. Its our fault we suck and I see no greater forces at play that have resulted in such a terrible situation for us.” Praise from the Republican party is already amidst with Majority Leader Mitch McConnell writing “Finally they have take n our advice and see their situation as we do. Good luck to them and if they need help look no further than your bootstraps.”

Middle East Countries see U.S. 10 year plan for region as “Very Likely to Succeed”

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United States diplomats sat down with Middle East leaders with a proposed plan for the area for the next 10 years. Unanimously the leaders agreed and saw no obvious reason why the peace plan would fail. King Abdullah of Jordan said “Its a pretty armor clad deal, I thought it would be more tribal disputes over dumb shit, useless killing, oil and lots of fake gold necklaces but these white guys seem to be able cut through that. I don’t see how it could fail.”

The plan relies heavily on a “goats for all” policy, indicating all will get plenty of goats. The administration has not put down a specific number of goats but a public statement for the White House states “a tremendous amount of goats. Great gods. Like you have never seen. You know what I am talking about. With the little tits. Great stuf. You get them all. Goats for all, you are gonna love it.”

Snorting Saltines at UK Music Festivals Trending

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UK festivals are world renown for their heavy drug use, unruly crowds and general madness, but a new trend has swept the countries youth at the mobs of debauchery. Snorting saltines has caught fire at EDM and Dubstep concerts. Their use is justified as a drug buffer or colloquially “sand bomb.”

Julian Hernandez from VICE news reported most of the young adults view it as a “healthier way to do drugs, in the same way people eat bread after they drink too much.” To be clear there is no scientific proof that saltines have any effect on the safety of drug use. But to many festival participants that only furthers their confidence saying “Well there is also no proof that they don’t hurt or help. We just don’t know, it feels good, it feels right so I’ll keep doing it until it is 100% proven.”

No studies have been announced to study saltine snorting and it is unlikely funding will be granted to such a cause.

Noam Chomsky’s Gruesome Comeback in the Guatemala Cock Fighting Rings

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Chomsky is back at it again, and this time with a vengeance built up over years and years of losing among Central American cock fighters. In 2003 Noam took a break from his usual Nicaraguan cock fighting vacation vowing if he were to return it would be “Where the real shit is.”

Needless to say he has exploded onto the Guatemalan scene, displacing some legendary fighters with some tough birds of his own.