The film capitol of the world was rocked today by the announcement of the existence of a third, previously unknown Weinstein brother whose history of pervasive sexual harassment had been falsely attributed to his identical sibling. Gropey Weinstein or “Ole Itchy Fingers” as he is known among close friends, is physically identical to his more famous twin. Gropey had survived undiscovered for decades by impersonating his brother at every opportunity. Reports by sources close to the Weinstein family described the secretive brother as constantly waiting in closets and behind french doors, waiting for Harvey to leave a room before leaping out and assuming his brother’s place.
‘It definitely struck me as strange’, one Weinstein Productions staff member stated, upon learning of Ole Itchy’s role in the accusations leveled against his brother by over 300 women across the industry. ‘Whenever I would enter a room I thought Mr. [Harvey] Weinstein had left to replace papers or leave reports, he would seemingly still be there, albeit in a slightly more wrinkled suit that smelled a lot like the mothballs we use in the abutting storage warehouse. I assumed his ability to develop and erection was impressively fast, but knowing it was someone else made me feel more comfortable with my husband who takes forever.”