Local Man takes Passive Interest in World News

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According to google’s database, last week in southern Missouri one man has been on and off paying some attention to global news networks. Jebblie Sampson, or “Billy” as he prefers, has been the sole source of worldwide interest in southern Missouri since WWII. “I was stunned when all the crews and shit came. I mean I’m not that interested but I do want to keep up.”
Though a national celebrity, Billy has yet to gain any support from his community. On the contrary they view his new beliefs and interest as evidence of his homosexuality. NPR was quick to find this story and report that it is ” Almost certainly race related. It is amazing that stuff like this still happens.” As the story continued to burst leaders from the NAACP and PETA use this confusing story are beginning to prepare public statements and rallies for “The clear flood of passion to come.” We will be following this closely.

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