For the last 35 years, every day when Anthony Bourdain wore pocketed pants he carried a stick of butter in his pocket. Rumors started online where an unusual bulge seemed to consistently appeared in his pants, eluding to a possible penis deformation that placed his genitals on his thigh instead of between the legs. But this was debunked by an undercover agent in a Norwegian sauna who spotted Anthony’s massive dong properly saddled between the hamstrings.
It was only after a busboy at La Diplomat in Washington DC noticed what appeared to be a pool of grease below the famous critic. After he began to clean it up Bourdain stopped him and said “Don’t worry about my little butter buddy, they come and go with the seasons.” He then ordered a fresh butter stick and promptly placed it in his pocket for future use. “It is a childhood thing. I need at least one good stick of butter in my pocket.”
Just in: In order to be sensitive to the scientific optics community, all races must be referred to by their color wavelength’s best match.
People who identify as a white person must now register as somewhere between 620-750. Orientals need to pick something in the 508-526 category and are encourage to change things up to individualize their color. The massively pale can identify as “ALL” or “People of Color” since all colors combined make white. Similarly those who identify as very dark or black are now referred to as “Colorless People” since the lack of light is what creates darkness.
Stay tuned as more people are offended and the powers that be react.
Local woman Lisa McMahon has seized local news headlines with a discovery that has rocked the Dayton metropolitan area. ‘Brr it’s pretty chilly in here’, said Ms. Mahon, upon entering an Arbys at 1200 Brown St. ‘You would think that they would turn the heat on at this time of year, but I guess not, huh’, she added. As of press time, Ms. Mahon’s claim had been responded to by attorneys associated with the Arbys corporation, who insisted that Ms. Mahon should undergo medical evaluation to determine if she had ever felt warmth and was therefore qualified to make such an inflammatory judgement.
The film capitol of the world was rocked today by the announcement of the existence of a third, previously unknown Weinstein brother whose history of pervasive sexual harassment had been falsely attributed to his identical sibling. Gropey Weinstein or “Ole Itchy Fingers” as he is known among close friends, is physically identical to his more famous twin. Gropey had survived undiscovered for decades by impersonating his brother at every opportunity. Reports by sources close to the Weinstein family described the secretive brother as constantly waiting in closets and behind french doors, waiting for Harvey to leave a room before leaping out and assuming his brother’s place.
‘It definitely struck me as strange’, one Weinstein Productions staff member stated, upon learning of Ole Itchy’s role in the accusations leveled against his brother by over 300 women across the industry. ‘Whenever I would enter a room I thought Mr. [Harvey] Weinstein had left to replace papers or leave reports, he would seemingly still be there, albeit in a slightly more wrinkled suit that smelled a lot like the mothballs we use in the abutting storage warehouse. I assumed his ability to develop and erection was impressively fast, but knowing it was someone else made me feel more comfortable with my husband who takes forever.”
Speaker of the House of Representative and grunting planet fitness member Paul Ryan has been seen by the Ghost of Christmas Future on the evening of October 28th. The hooded specter, most commonly known for informing individuals of shitty futures awaiting them if they were not to change their ways, reportedly met with Representative Ryan in his chambers while he took a brief nap to refresh himself for the upcoming push for President Donald Trump’s new tax policy. “Mr. Christmas Future and I had a very productive dialogue’, reported Ryan, ‘and I think I think that we both came away with a solid dialogue and a commitment to working together”
‘Oh, Ryan? Holy shit that guy suuuuuuuucks’, the Ghost of Christmas future said at the time of our interview. “All I wanted him to do is consider that his total lack of a spine on this tax thing was a bad thing for poor people and he kept agreeing with me but then he, like, slapped a little one-legged orphan child and spit on it. What a goddamn maniac.”
As of press time, Representative Ryan has continued to insist that the new tax cuts will be a positive move and that orphans sometimes just need a little slap and shine.
Guard dog Otto at Ohio maximum security prison is struggling to keep up with the daily monitoring of the seemingly endless rows of cells with sad people behind bars. Despite being told its just a job and not to build too much connection with the prisoners, Otto just “wants to take them all home with him,” Caesar Chaves translated “It breaks his heart every time Otto has to walk by their cages.”
Luckily with the new mental health policies Otto can take one day off a week and find comfort in his own human at home.
New developments on the O’Reilly scandal now apparently affected Fox interns. The Interns both male and female, now state that O’Rielly insisted they smell his fingers. One of the accusers stated on the record “sometimes we would walk into his office and he would stick his hand out and say ‘get a wiff of this shit’ but mostly he would quietly walk over to your desk and stick his finger right under your nose. You didn’t have a choice most of the time. He would hold it there and whisper into your ear ‘Pussy juice.’ For the longest time I thought I was alone, but I feel comfort knowing others who were Billy-fingered are speaking out as well.”
The once powerful anchor at fox denies all claims saying his hands are great and most people wanted to smell his fingers anyway. More to come as this story develops.