Prophet Muhammad Pretty Jealous of Saudi Prince’s gold plated Lamborghini

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Allah had an “ah ha” moment when the prophet saw what one of his followers purchased and got pretty jealous. A gold plated Lamborghini was one of those things he just wasn’t able to save up enough to get while spending time on earth and really wished he had come later for a ride on these wheels.

Muhammad is known for some unique tastes, such as suicide bombings, and his envy is sure to throw questions on fans and worshipers. Isis combatant spoke out against the comment by the prophet saying he expected those things in the afterlife so why go through with the bombing of infidels if this is just as good.” Devout Muslim Gary Johnson of New Mexico thinks Muhammad is turning a page, “he is growing up and realizing you can’t win favor on earth if all your followers kill themselves so he is moving onto cars. Its more fashionable and gold.”

AIDS quilts in review: “Not as Warm as Desired”

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Many consider AIDS a sad thing of the past, but one thing positive many thought AIDS had given society was lots of nice quilts. However much like the people suffering with AIDS they have faded, become thin and ultimately wear out.

Spokesperson for Act up said “It was great at the time everyone came out and made quilts and we prided ourselves on the quality. But these people were weak and though artistic lacked that strength some quilt makers simply didn’t have in them. I’m not saying that they are not strong people its just their little hands and the little thread. Sorry I don’t want to cry.” Mike Pence has latched onto the issue showing a clear sign God hates gay people, because he would have made “more enhanced” quilts if he really liked them. More as this story progresses.

Cross Cultural Post Mortum perspectives on Death

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Pro-Publica has teamed up with AARP and compiles the single largest collection of oral histories from people who died and were able to share their story. It spanned 72 Countries and over 870 individuals. As this summary shows the only common theme is spiritual disappointment in what experts are calling “existential blue balls”

Most stories were taken from CGWs or Certified Ghost Whisperers provided by the American Camping Organization (ACO) for campfires and autopsies. Some stories were taken from those who half died, or died but then came back to the physical world.

“I thought there would be a heaven, some evaluation of how I did in life but instead this overwhelming smell of cabbage casserole and gumbo. Then I was mute and invisible except to the great people at ACO. I never had balls in my life but in death I understand the term blue balls. I just wanted to get out of here but here I am just waiting for another opportunity to arise.” Maria of Nicaragua reported. Her story reflected most across the death spectrum from really dead to barely dead, as well as really hopeful to Swedish.


Man found having Intercourse with Manhole to receive Art Award

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Tuesday November 28th 2017, Albert Humphrey was found butt naked thrusting away at a manhole in northern Baltimore. It was his lucky day as he found himself nearby the internationally acclaimed Maryland Institute College of Art (MICA). Many had stopped in their tracks horrified at the situation to observe the strange sight, but one found inspiration. Associate Professor Mallory Grumwell stopped the police from arresting the man stating “This is an Art piece and the artist is at work.” Humphrey was arrested and was awarded an Art Award from MICA for bravery in Art.

Poor and Unemployed of City Deny Victim hood and Take Total Responsibility for Situation

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Leaders of the poor in once city have taken a new approach to their situation in a complete reversal of policies.  Leaders do not wish to publicly state their city in fear of political and online outcry.

“Sometimes its just your own damn fault” said spokesperson for impoverished people of city which seeks anonymity, “We fucked up. Its our fault we suck and I see no greater forces at play that have resulted in such a terrible situation for us.” Praise from the Republican party is already amidst with Majority Leader Mitch McConnell writing “Finally they have take n our advice and see their situation as we do. Good luck to them and if they need help look no further than your bootstraps.”

Middle East Countries see U.S. 10 year plan for region as “Very Likely to Succeed”

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United States diplomats sat down with Middle East leaders with a proposed plan for the area for the next 10 years. Unanimously the leaders agreed and saw no obvious reason why the peace plan would fail. King Abdullah of Jordan said “Its a pretty armor clad deal, I thought it would be more tribal disputes over dumb shit, useless killing, oil and lots of fake gold necklaces but these white guys seem to be able cut through that. I don’t see how it could fail.”

The plan relies heavily on a “goats for all” policy, indicating all will get plenty of goats. The administration has not put down a specific number of goats but a public statement for the White House states “a tremendous amount of goats. Great gods. Like you have never seen. You know what I am talking about. With the little tits. Great stuf. You get them all. Goats for all, you are gonna love it.”